Date: 7th August 2004
Venue: Mossdale Meadows (Leicester)
Right all. I've had so many requests for my match reports to be included to league games as well as tournaments I thought I'd do it if I could be bothered.
I'm working on being bothered.
Actually no one has asked me to do one but sod the lot of you, I'm doing it anyway.
League Game vs West Brom - Saturday 7th August.
Result 6-4
Squad:
Phil Bray
Nick Bray
Damo
Luke H
Lee Stone
Pat F
Kev B
Chris Stenson
Jamie J
Dean
Bernie M
Stevie P
Lee the Gooner
James Augustus
Mark
Game one of the new season and we hoped to carry on where we'd left off from Worldnet - well most of us anyway. Some of us (and they know who they are) needed to improve vastly. In fact it might soon be time to say to a few players Shape Up or Ship Out!
As always we all turned up pretty much late and of course the last players to arrive were Phil Bray and Nick Bray. This is particularly disappointing as the manager was hoping that they could have had some passing practice pre kick-off.
We had to put the goals up and the same people did that as always. This spreadsheet lover is going to start a spreadsheet of goal putter uppers (that IS the official term) so those lazy buggers who stand around and try to look important / busy will soon be left to put the goals up on their own!!
West Brom had agreed to step in at the last moment and were short a couple of players so they borrowed two and eventually three players from us to help them. The very nice people to volunteer (or is that the traitors?) were Lee the Gooner (mate of Stevie P so spoke with a dodgy accent), James Augustus who was determined to score against us and a split between Jamie J and Mark with a half each.
The IF's starting line up was:
Stevie P in goal (because we were really desperate and Nick A wasn't about, nor was Antonis who is over at some big event in Athens. Don't know what he's doing at the world tiddlywinks finals but I'd imagine he's suffering from some eye injury after being hit by a rogue tiddlywink.
Kev B was at right back and still not suffering any injuries, Phil Bray was back and playing at centre half, this time his centre half partner was Dean. At left back was Pat F.
The midfield was Chris Stenson at right midfield, Nick Bray and Damo in the centre of the park and the new left midfielder (ok, I'm getting bored of that now too) Bernie.
Up front was Lee Stone and Luke H.
Not a bad squad but we'd lost quite a few of our passing players from Worldnet so distribution may have been a bit worrying!
West Brom were pretty stupid really as they put James and later Jamie J up front. That isn't intelligent as they're both crap in front of goal. Lee the gooner played in midfield for them.
This was an excellent game played in amazing spirit and showed what internet football is all about. I mean James and Jamie both actually tried. More than they ever do for us. I mean Jamie J normally brings his dummy, pram and toys with him when he's playing in blue. Over the years we've seen that dummy go flying at quite a speed in all sorts of directions. The toys have all been severly beaten up and the organisation for the prevention of cruelty to stuffed animals has been called out on numerous occassions.
Today he was in a pretty good mood but you could sense the toys were all a bit anxious every now and then when Jamie J missed a chance.
Should I get to the game?
I can't even remember who kicked off but for the sake of this report which is once again going to be totally unbiased and completely true I'll say we kicked off. We were going towards the goal at the Fosse Park end. Fortunately Chris Foster wasn't playing so there was no need for the Security Guards at Fosse Park to get worried about footballs flying in their direction.
The whole game the IF's played very well and it was a good game. I'm sure it was excellent to watch, it certainly was good to play in.
And we saw the goalkeeping display of the century and I'm not only saying that because the bastard kept out about 15 of my goal bound shots.
It was a pretty even start as both teams sized eachother up. James Augustus not knowing how bad Phil Bray is at man marking never took advantage of it the few times he got the ball, but he certainly looked up for it and was moving about a lot.
The IF's were passing the ball around well and using the wings well which was a bit of a bugger as it was so hot and the wingers couldn't be arsed running.
The defence were doing very well snuffing out any opportunities WBA made. Kev B was getting stuck in as always. He was showing off to his daughter Claire-Louise but unfortunately for him she wasn't watching.
Phil Bray was defending well and he was showing off to his brother but unfortunately for him his brother was blind.
Dean was very solid and won every 50/50 challenge. He was showing off to his new team mates but no one took any notice.
Pat F was being very very solid at left back and he was showing off to Buster and Jo but they were more interested in sitting in the shade.
At right midfield Chris was winning a lot of challenges and passing the ball well. He was showing Jamie J how it's done but unfortunately Jamie J was too busy looking for his favourite bruised stuffed toy that he'd got for his 18th birthday.
Bernie on the left was trying to show off to anyone and everyone and of course they were all watching the grass grow as they thought that was more interesting. Nick Bray was without the Nalis blond wig because it was too hot apparently (that's the excuse) but it looked good on him. His distribution has improved slightly and he still showed for the ball but no one passed to him.
He was trying to show off to all the family on the sideline but they'd long worked out that he was crap and had taken to talking about what's for Sunday Lunch.
Damo was running around like a headless chook which was really stupid on such a hot day. He was trying to show off to everyone so he could try and make some friends. Unfortunately no one was interested.
Up front we had Luke H running around showing his pace and attempting to show he could finish goal scoring chances. He was showing off to his coach but that was bloody pointless as Phil thinks everyone played awesome no matter how crap they were.
Lee Stone was going backwards and his distribution skills were zero. He suddenly forgot to pass the ball and his right foot was still asleep after a hard night out standing on the dance floor. He was trying to show off to the football scouts and it would appear that worked.
Of the others, James Augustus was trying to show off to Julie but she was too busy watching the kids.
Mark was trying to impress Phil Bray but we've already ascertained that's bloody easy and Jamie J was trying to show off to his soft (but bruised) toys called Jemima, Big Ted, Little Ted and Humpty.
Okay I'll get back to the footy.
After an initial period of solid football where both teams defended well gaps started to open up. The very intelligent players in the IF's (that's not many!) worked out that the wings were the place to go to set up some good chances.
After a few attempts the ball was played through to Bernie on the left wing. He once again used his pace and ran around the West Brom defence and cut inside. Without Paul McCudden (and he would have felt at home in this game) yelling Pass it, Pass it, Pass IT! Bernie amazingly looked up, and more amazingly instead of going for goal he laid the ball back to Luke H.
Now the ball was laid on a plate for Luke. Andy Gray had come along and drawn on the screen pointing out where the ball should be hit and with the keeper taken out as well as all the defenders Luke hit the ball pathetically and gave the keeper who was quite dodgy the chance to make a good save. Unfortunately for the keeper and fortunately for Luke the ball rebounded to him and he put the rebound in the back of the net.
It was the least that could be done after such great lead-up work by Bernie although Bernie had now decided to go for goal the next time and the time after that and the time after that too.
1-0 was deserved and we pushed on for more goals. And the chances kept coming. Bernie got free again and went towards goal. This time the keeper was equal to the shot and palmed it wide for a corner. Now if truth be told it was a pathetic attempt on goal because despite the incredibly amazing power behind the shot, it was at an easy height for the keeper.
Luke H had a couple of further opportunites which he blew. Nick Bray's shooting skills hadn't improved by much and he had a couple attempts on goal. Damo shot from a distance and he shouldn't have bothered. Chris Stenson had an opportunity but he fell over his own feet (well he didn't quite do that but it sounds better).
Shots were flying in from all over the place and if they were on target the keeper was pulling off one great save after another. One-on-ones, shots from a distance, deflected shots, horrible vodka shots. You name them, their keeper was stopping them.
On one occasion the ball was played across to Luke on the far side of the goal with the keeper at the near side of the goal. Luke blasted it low and hard and it had goal written all over it but by some miracle the keeper came out of no where and pushed the ball wide for another corner.
One things for sure we were getting plenty of corner taking practice!
And then two times in the half when we did beat the keeper, we didn't beat the post. The first when the WBA keeper ran out yelling "chip me! chip me! chip me!" - Bernie obliged with his left foot (yes that was written down correctly) and the ball looked like it was going in and then at the last minute with everyone urging the ball to go wide because they couldn't put up with a match report with me scoring, the ball hit a stray leaf on the field, changed direction and hit the post and came out.
The second one was a good long range shot from Damo near the end of the half that clipped the other bar and went wide. Damo should shut his eyes more often.
With all this pressure in the first half and despite great defending by WBA it was inevitable that we would score again. The second goal was another shot by Luke for ours and his second goal of the game. It was a good finish
The WBA keeper however kept pulling off saves and some of them were from Lee Stone. As Lee got more and more worked up that he hadn't scored he got more determined to do so. This meant that the passing of the ball stopped completely and the attempts to beat 15 players (7 of whom were his team mates) started to happen often. Unfortunately for Lee he was unable to find his way past the keeper today and you could sense his frustration (just wait till I mention the second half!).
The game wasn't all one-sided as the West Brom players were all giving 100% and they were having luck breaking away from us - mainly as we attacked so much. At one stage Pat F yelled at Bernie to say he's your player and he's in your half (attacking half). That was fine, as soon as the said player crossed the halfway line Bernie yelled at Pat "He's on your side of the pitch now!" Bernie went off and read the paper.
With Jamie J now on the pitch playing for West Brom, Phil Bray and co in defence all of a sudden had to take notice of how incredibly slow they all were! In fact poor Dean was left with everything to do.
And of course it had to happen. Jamie J was bound to score. The ball was passed to him by one of our defenders - I can't remember which player but for the point of this report it will have to be Phil Bray.
Jamie then ran through and with the considerable frame of Stevie P to beat he managed to find the very very tiny gap left in the goal to make it 2-1 to the Internet Foxes.
And with their keeper stopping everything within a five mile radius things were looking a bit precarious.
It might have been one of those days.
and it looked even more like it when WBA had another great attack and had another shot on goal. This time Stevie P did the Parker Flop and fell on his arse. Fortunately he stuck out a leg and the ball hit it, looped up into the air and landed into his hands. An interesting type of save but a good one!
The IF's had another good chance when Bernie ran on to a great pass from Chris Stenson. Trapped the ball perfectly and despite having his back facing from goal turned on a 12 pence and in one movement unleashed another thunderbolt which was heading for the bottom corner and what a goal it would have been. Unfortunately the keeper was kinda half decent and dived from no where to push the ball wide.
Now I have to mention with another Bray turning up on the sideline to watch his younger brother (Phil), Steve Walsh returned and instead of passing the ball very easily to Pat F, he passed the ball to the hedge!
Fortunately for the IF's we scored the third goal just before half-time to give us a little space for the break.
This was a screamer of a finish from Mark. A left footed drive from a fair distance out. The WBA keeper couldn't even stop that!
So 3-1 at half-time.
We all needed a break at half time as it was so bloody hot! We went for the shade and then no one wanted to go back out again.
Bernie somehow managed to convince the coach that he was quite happy to have a breather and the team was changed about a bit.
The second half had Pat F in goal, Kev B at right back, Phil Bray and Dean in the middle, Stevie P at left back. In the midfield was Chris Stenson, Nick Bray, Damo and Jamie J on the left. Up front was Lee Stone and Luke H.
The referee was still Bob unfortunately and even more unfortunate was the fact that Phil Bray's older brother was now the linesman.
Within about two minutes of kick off Damo was doing his diving trick (he'd learnt a bit and there were no arms going flying in the air) so Bernie's rest was very very short lived.
Damo spent the rest of the game coming on, falling over, lying on the ground, going off, coming back on again, falling over, lying on the ground (you get the gist because this part of the report could have gone on forever). Bascially he was a bit of a wuss.
The second half was very much the same as the first with us having a load of good chances and stuffing practically every one of them up.
We were playing some great football though and the two centre midfielders were doing well showing for the ball and laying it off and there was some very good one touch football being played by the whole team.
WBA were defending / keeping well and fortunately we were keeping them from goal at the other end because Pat was soon to show us that there is someone worse in goal than Bernie.
We made it 4-1 when Jamie J scored for the correct team this time. He was put through and very unlike him, he actually looked up and shot early. The ball going into the top corner and leaving their very dodgy keeper no chance.
This was a major surprise as half of us were getting ready for a goal kick to soon be taken. Jamie J normally runs with his head down and tries all sorts of tricks that never ever come off and end in him losing the ball and his dummy too.
West Brom never gave up and they got another goal back to make it 4-2. This time James Augustus decided to score but if truth be told with Pat as our goalkeeper my 95 year old grandmother could have scored a goal.
All you needed to do was shoot on target. It was still a good finish and quite clearly Phil Bray had forgotten to mark again.
We continued to push forward and as the game went on there were more one-on-ones that were missed by Jamie J, Luke and Lee. The keeper had by now worked out that both Jamie J and Lee only had left foots and Luke only had a right one and thus he only had to protect the one side of the goal when any of them were coming towards him.
When Luke missed his many chances he just looked in the air and smiled.
When Lee missed his many chances he began to get more and more stroppy and his eyesight got progressively worse because fewer players in blue seemed to be on the pitch.
When Jamie J missed his chances he either kicked the ground, dropped his head so low that it could have been mistaken for the football, dropped the bottom lip or seemed to go on speed and run off at 100 miles an hour to try and get the ball back (never succeding of course but it's the thought that counts).
Phil Bray realising that it was really hot got his chance to get some revenge for recent match reports and chucked Bernie in centre midfield for the whole of the second half. Now Bernie kept trying to swap with the wingers but Phil was having nothing of it. It also gave Nick Bray the opportunity to get some revenge and he never passed the ball to Bernie. He was also very rude and didn't talk to him either.
The game continued to be action packed and the IF's attacking went mad. Unfortunately with Phil's older brother on the sideline pretending to be a linesman he was giving our players offside left right and centre. And this was making certain strikers get a little stroppy.
On one occassion poor old Dean had broken through from the back and was off on a run with glory in his eyes. He was determined to score but failed to realise that Bob had "blown" the imaginary whistle because Mr Bray had given someone offside. Probably Lee.
On another occasion Jamie J was not given offside and he thought he was so he stopped, started again, stopped, started again. Finally he started again came up towards goal and blasted an atrocious shot miles wide of goal. He looked so confused and Jamie didn't know what to do so we just chucked a pacifier in his mouth and told him to shut up.
It was time for the star player to come into the game and make a difference. With Bernie brilliantly placed in the centre of midfield the ball was cleared by the WBA defence. Bernie got the ball somewhere between 35 and 75 yards out from goal and then went to show the strikers how to do it. With a burst of speed he ran past two players he then ran around another two players before blasting the ball in the bottom left corner. The keeper had still got his hand to it but fortunately it went in. 5-2 and surely we couldn't lose it from here??
We were forgetting that Pat was still in goal.
Credit to West Brom too as they never gave up and they kept trying. On another attack they got their third goal. Who knows where our defence was at the time. The ball came into the box and we managed to clear it with the help of the central midfielders but Pat had come out of his goal and not got the ball. The ball had made its way to one of the West Brom midfielders who chipped the ball brilliantly towards goal.
Bernie at this point was yelling at Pat to get back in goal and Pat had turned and was running back to goal but in slow motion like the six million dollar man (without the million dollars). The ball just sailed over his head and into the back of the net. 5-3
That wasn't the end for Pat though as West Brom attacked again. This time they attacked down the left. Once again our defence was no where in sight. The ball came over and it accidentally hit James Augustus on the head. It then looped in the air (once again in slow motion of the six million dollar man kind) and Pat just stood there like a dazed possum in headlights. We like to squash the bastards back in NZ. Pat jumped (I think) and the ball just creeped in over him. It was soooooooo slow. 5-4 and only the 1 goal in it!
By now Pat had decided that he'd had enough of playing in goal and he claimed that his mechanical six dollar arm was hurt. Poor thing.
So with WBA pushing for an equaliser we could all rest easy that wouldn't happen. Stevie P was back in goal for us. (that's a sarcastic comment Steve).
Time for us to push on for the goal that would take the game out of sight.
This was proving difficult with Bray senior giving everyone offside who looked in his direction and with Bob Wood not leaving the halfway line, the decisions appeared to be going against us.
That was fine for most people but there were one or two that didn't take too kindly to it.
And Lee was getting more and more stroppy by the minute. He was complaining and giving all the Bray's the evils. He was yelling "no way" in a high pitched voice a lot. and this had an effect on his footy as he absolutely lost all knowledge of the word "pass". He tried to take on everyone including the linesman whenever he got the ball.
On one occasion Lee had the ball in a good attacking position and with Bernie incredibly free in loads of space on the right Lee took on one of their defenders.
Bernie was yelling for the ball and I'm sure they could hear him in Fosse Park, particularly as he only yelled about 15 times. Lee however decided to take on the same player about 4 times and then the ball was eventually lost and cleared for a throw-in.
With Bernie now walking back to the middle of the park, Damo (who wasn't lying on the ground this time) said "I think you should call for the ball a bit louder next time mate"
I'll work on my vocal cords.
Lee was still in a strop mainly because he hadn't scored yet and then things got even worse when the ball went out for a throw in. Mr Wood on the halfway line gave the throw-in to WBA and Lee yelled "No way!" in a very very high pitched voice. For a minute I thought he was off to find Jamie's pram but instead he just bounced the ball in frustration. If Bob could be arsed moving from the halfway line he might have thought about giving him a lecture on good sportsmanship and the good old days and everyone would have gone to sleep. As it was WBA just took the throw and got on with it.
We finally put the game out of reach when we scored a 6th goal with not long to go. That was a relief.
This time the ball was played to Jamie J on the left and by some miracle he passed the ball. He had run down the wing and squared the ball. Luke H was in line for his hat-trick and he scored very much like Stan Collymore got his hat-trick against Sunderland (i.e. he was a bloody jammy git and the ball hit the bottom of his boot and sneaked in).
But he was there to finish it.
That was about it for the game and this report is way too long as it is so we'll say that the game went on without much more incident and the final imaginary whistle was blown.
A good victory of 6-4 with our players scoring 9 of the goals.
Well done to WBA for getting a team together.
And now if I can be bothered - the ratings which hopefully will be short.
Phil Bray - What a Captain. Lends 3 players to the opposition and they score 3 of their goals. More than they ever do for us! Also made the inspired decision to chuck Bernie into the centre of midfield as Damo was bloody useless. Played well at the back and bossed the defence. Distribution is still atrocious and needs to stop inviting his brother to be linesman! 5/10
Nick Bray - Needed to play with the wig on as the Lilian Nalis of the team. Bossed the midfield (bossing must be a Bray thing). Ran around a lot and one of the fitter players in the team. Shame he can't play football. Distribution skills sometimes on a par with his uncles. Very good at overhitting passes. Still always showing for the ball and still not receiving it. But always good to know he was about whenever you had the ball. 6/10
Damo - still friendless. Working hard on that though. I'm sure if Damo had a girlfriend she'd be a real bunnyboiler. Damo ran around like he was on something but clearly had left the energiser batteries at home because he kept running out of energy and falling on the ground. Got subbed on and off so many times in the second half could be forgiven for thinking he is only the water boy. Some times he plays like that. Got stuck in and gave 100% as always and had a couple of good shots on goal. Pity none of them were on target. 6/10
Luke H - Well that's not a bad start to your internet league career. A hat-trick. Excellent stuff except the useless git should have scored at least double that!! And all he had to do was finish the chances - all the hard work had been done for him already. Still I guess you've got to be in the right place at the right time.
Luke has great pace and he reminds me of me about 2 weeks ago.
Another good game and caused West Brom all sorts of trouble. I'm glad he's on our side. 8/10
Lee Stone - offside
Pat F - Well he did one thing in this game. He made sure that he'll never have to play in goal again! What an abysmal effort. We've upped the game fees as we have to rebuild him. When we've finished he'll be the 10 pound 20 pence man. And his arm might be okay again.
The less said about his goalkeeping skills the better.
Played well in defence in the first half and kept the left side clear meaning the left winger could stand on halfway and read the paper. 3/10
Kev B - Another solid performance from Kev and can't remember any dodgy sliding tackles that could have been penalties which is impressive. Mind you I am writing this about 4 weeks after the event. Goals were scored from down his wing though which means they were entirely his fault. He could have and should have done a lot better.
Had one opportunity up front when he went way too far forward but his shot was pathetic. Still as always he gave 100% and that's what they say when you can't think of anything else nice to say. 4/10
Chris Stenson - Mr versatile as always. Played all over the show although some of the time that was because he was lost and didn't have a clue. Did a heck of a lot of running and his distribution skills were very good. Needs to teach the Bray's a thing or two. Had the one attempted shot and that was truly truly awful. Mind you he was old and tired and he ran out of energy and fell over instead of kicking the ball. Poor old bloke. 5/10
Jamie J, Jemima, Little Ted, Big Ted and Humpty - One of the better games for them all. Jamie J had a half each for both sides and scored for each team. He did his usual thing of running around and not actually thinking about what he was doing. This time it worked out more than it didn't. Also set up the last goal so we'll give him some credit for using his brain for once. Full of energy but sometimes that energy is used in the wrong way. But certainly one of the best games he has played in a long time. 6/10
Dean - Thank goodness for Dean because lets face it the rest of the defence is getting on a bit and is bloody slow! Dean had to track back and cover everyone and did a great job of it. Defended very well but we still conceded 4 goals so he must have been at fault for at least half of them.
Dean also needs to do something about his hearing because the whistle was quite clearly blown when he went off on his hunt for glory up front. Mind you that was Lee's fault for being offside. 7/10
Lee Stone - He's still offside. Bit of a nightmare game for Lee as he never scored a goal and that is expected of him every game. Seems he puts the expectation on himself before anyone else does. Still a very good player but needs to learn that he's at his best when he passes the little round white thing to someone in a blue shirt. Is that clear enough? Also needs to learn not to take Bob Wood or one of the Bray's decisions seriously - we don't. He caused the WBA players all sorts of problems, unfortunately he caused the Internet Fox players all sorts of problems as well. 4/10
Bernie M - Form is Temporary, Class is permanent. Don't know why I say that as he's classy all the time and has never had a dip in form. What a game. Was everywhere as usual and if it wasn't for the West Brom keeper would have had a load of goals. Still scored the goal of the season and set up another one. Also defended well. Somehow managed to survive a half at centre midfield after being put there deliberately by Phil Bray. What a player and totally unbiased that is too. 10/10
Stevie P - What a keeper. I mean we only conceded the one goal when he was protecting it. Mind you with a frame like that he will take some beating! Played very well and made all the saves that were required including the Parker flop one. Funny how things deteriorated when he went in the outfield. Still trying to work out if that's because Stevie P is a crap defender or because Pat is bloody useless in goal or a bit of both. Good game by his very low standards. 8/10
Lee the Gooner - Can't comment too much on Lee as I didn't understand what he was on about. I've given up talking to Stevie P's mates because they all speak another language. Mind you they need to be a bit weird to be a mate of Stevie P. Lee played very well for WBA and got stuck in the whole game. He gave 100% and won a lot of the ball in midfield. Was always there and a pain in the arse basically. 7/10
James Augustus - Played the full game for WBA and did a heck of a lot more than he ever does for us. Ran around a lot and caused a lot of problems for us. Needs to learn to get tighter when playing against Phil Bray because as we all know, Phil Bray can't man mark. Scored 2 goals although one of them the ball hit him rather than he hit it. I mean he closed his eyes for the second goal that looped in over the immobile Pat F. Did a great job for WBA and showed what Internet Footy is all about playing for the opposition. 8/10
Mark - First game for the IF's. Came along and played about a quarter of a game for the IF's and a half a game for WBA. Played well for both sides. Scored a screamer of a goal just before half time with his left foot. Gave the keeper no chance.
Ran around and got stuck in.
Mark has Lee's confidence and tries way too much by taking on a lot of players. Usually has the same effect as Lee and gets tackled. I guess it looks good the one in twenty times it works. Hopefully he'll come back. 7/10
Thus ends Report 1 for the season and I'm bloody knackered typing it. Must be hard work reading it.
I'll try and shorten future reports mainly because I can't be arsed any more.
Anyone else want to take over the match reports???